“It”

when i was 27 and living in PA i “adopted” my 14 year old niece, and raised her thru some pretty gnarly teenage years. the most shocking thing about the experience was learning how massive and stunningly permanent a parent’s love for a child is. i was unprepared for that. there’s no measure. even when you jump into the middle of it like that.

we each saved the other’s life. for 3 years it was just her & me. she helped me plug back in socially when i was lot of a loner. she gave me a strong sense of purpose to work and start making something of myself. i got out of a bad job situation and into a dream one, working from home so i could take better care of her. i bought us a house and some land and we had a little farmette.

she did amazingly well considering what life had thrown her way. she graduated high school and finished a year of college. but more than that she continued on her way to becoming this amazing person, with an ability to love and care and feel very deeply.

but, i haven’t seen her since august 2003. she ran away to ohio to be with a guy she met online instead of going back to school or coming to my wedding that september. at the reception, i kept thinking she would walk in, but her friend phoned me the next day once she’d figured it out. my niece has lived there ever since.

as hard as that was, i don’t fault her that choice. she wanted to start all over with a clean slate. yeah, it was REALLY dangerous. and the guy did turn out to be a loser. but she got into a better situation and she built a life for herself out there.

i did my best to let her know she was loved and had somewhere to come back to without pressuring her and pushing her into deeper hiding. i held onto tenuously small threads of contact, like figuring out the number where she’d gone by checking her friend’s old phone bills, and having a friend phone her occasionally just to know she was safe.

she gradually came around, and we built contact back up. for years now she’s called and shared her life lovingly. remarkable because we both hate talking on the phone. i hoped to go see her 1 1/2 years ago when she had her baby, but she got nervous and backed out.

she’s in CT this weekend with her boyfriend and their kids, visiting her brothers and her mom. she FB messaged me at christmas about it, and emailed this week to make plans to get together. we’re both pretty damned nervous. she called tonight. the plan is we find a good place to take all the kids to hang out, drive down in the morning and call her on the way to meet us.

i’ve been pretty squirrely all day today. i waited til i was sure she had made it from from OH to CT, and then i went a little nuts with gifts for her and her family. most important to me is a mother & child pendant i bought to honor and celebrate her role as mommy to her son and her stepdaughter. but it’s also a little echo of the parent & child bond we share.

so, tomorrow i hope i will finally see her again. a “mother & child reunion” in a way. the return of the prodigal son, and all that.

i’ll meet her boyfriend for the first time. and… (chills) meet my “grandson” (great-nephew) who is a coupla months older than my daughter Z.

so, pretty big deal. lot of history there. i’ve dreamt about this for years but never dared to hope for it. i knew i would see her again someday, but had no idea how many years i would have to wait.

i’m a red sox fan, so i’ll reserve the possibility that it still *might* not happen.

and if it doesn’t, i understand it won’t be from a failing in her love, but from the anxiety we’re both feeling. after all, she’s already had a pretty wild couple of days driving from OH to CT with preschoolers, and reuniting with her estranged mom and troubled brothers.

but i really hope we will connect. i hope she will see and know and believe how incredibly much she is still loved, and that she will always have a home with me.

so, yeah. a little nervous for this to happen.

in the greatest of hope,
Laura